Most people lie in small ways every day. We tell a friend a shirt looks better than it does, or that we liked someone’s performance when it was only OK. And it can be tempting to think that lying in these circumstances is harmless. But lies, even when they are done with good intentions and to protect someone’s hurt feelings, can have painful consequences for how people see you.
Recently, Hilary Lebow from Everyday Health reached out to explore the source of lying and how to manage your emotions when you find out someone has lied to you in her article Why Do People Lie? Plus 11 Tips for Coping When They Do. Our discussion was wide reaching, examining everything from white lies (e.g., “I love that shirt”) to more impactful ones (e.g., “I loved your manuscript – I think it’s ready to submit to a publisher!”) to manipulative ones (e.g., “I swear I didn’t cheat”), and in almost every case, I don’t think lying makes sense.
White Lies Don’t Work
I don’t think lying is a good practice even when it is a “white” lie for two reasons. First, when you ask your friend or partner whether your outfit looks ok you actually want to know the truth. You don’t want to spend the evening looking bad and the reason you asked your friend for their input is so you could find out whether you can be confident in how you look and feel that evening. If you wouldn’t want to be lied to in this situation, why lie to a friend?
This brings us to the second reason not to lie, even when it’s a “white” lie: Most often, when people lie it is to conceal some kind of anxiety. For example, lying to a friend about liking a bad haircut is often motivated by the worry that your friend will be upset with you and not wanting to hurt the relationship; lying about the reason you're late is so people won’t be angry with you; lying about how much money you make is a way to make people like you more. In each of these cases, people tend to lie ensure the person they are speaking to likes them.
Lying Affects You, Too
Of course, there are some lies that are bigger than others. Protecting someone’s feelings is probably going to be less intrusive in their life than deliberately manipulating them for your own gain. But, for all of that, because lies create a second stream of reality (realities where we like certain kinds of haircuts that we don’t or in which we’re stuck in traffic when we are not) they are nearly always problematic for the person lying. Each lie you tell injects a little bit more chaos in your life. And, importantly, although telling a small lie now and then to avoid hurting a friend’s feelings seems like a small thing, your friends will notice when you don’t and will value your input into their lives in a way they won’t if you do lie. A friend that gives you honest advice on a bad haircut will be the friend that you will turn to when you need to know the truth and the person you will lean on in difficult moments. Those small lies add up.
When You’ve Been Lied To
When we find out that something someone told us isn’t true, too often our first reaction is to assume they’re lying, that they’re lying to hurt us, and approach them with that energy. But before you confront them, it is important to consider who this person is to you: Are they generally supportive or do they try to put you down? Are they a close friend or a loose acquaintance? Are they a relative or a work colleague? As I said to Hilary: “It is important that you anchor your response to the type of person they are – a close friend who is typically supportive of you merits a different kind of response than a colleague who is constantly putting you down.”
Also, consider how you would have reacted if they told you the truth: “If every time a friend tells you something you don’t want to hear you get angry, you should expect people to start omitting or even lying to you.”
Tough Conversations
Confronting someone about lying – in fact all confrontation – is difficult for most people. But there are techniques to make it a lot easier. The number one thing is that you don’t want to walk away from this conversation feeling worse or that you became a version of yourself that you hate. So approach the person – if they are a friend, a loved one, a partner, a relative – with compassion and good will.
If it is a big lie it is all the more important for you to stay level-headed. When we are angry, we can lose sight of the situation, what we want to accomplish, whether we are going to want the other person in our lives after the fight, etc. Of course it is true that your emotions are valid and you deserve an outlet for them, but if you breaking down completely and behaving in a way you will regret doesn’t help you.
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