A divorce can be one of the most painful things a person has to go through, but it can be much more difficult than it needs to be. Learning to separate well is a crucial skill to develop that relationship-building doesn’t prepare you for. And one huge element of this is learning how to communicate well through the process. That is because, although it doesn’t seem like it from the outside, divorces – especially when kids are involved – involve a lot of agreement.
Recently, I spoke to Parade’s Beth Ann Mayer to discuss “divorce-communication” and in particular, divorce-texting for her piece “12 Phrases to Never Use in Your Texts if You’re Divorcing.” Beth was particularly interested in divorce-texting because of the way that texts can be used against you during proceedings. This often catches people off guard: Instead of the immediate and intimate communication you were used to in the relationship, you need to pause and consider whether or not your text needs to be sent; instead of relying on your tone of voice or nonverbal communication to get your point across, you need to learn to express yourself clearly in writing; instead of relying on the good-will of the other person to interpret your meaning, you need to carefully consider the subtle implications of different text styles (think of the importance a period has when texting).
Although the article focuses on texting, our conversation ranged from post-break-up depression, not dragging kids into disputes with your ex, and how (and when) to talk about dating and new partners. Along with several divorce attorneys, we came up with a useful list of guidelines to follow and specific phrases to avoid while divorcing so that this difficult time is not psychologically or legally more painful than it needs to be.