Dating is tough, especially in New York City. You may scroll through thousands of job-applicant style dating profiles and go on hundreds of dates before finding someone you actually enjoy spending time with. But that is only the beginning – being in a relationship takes work to sustain. And sometimes, after finding someone that feels just right you can find out that they engage in, or have engaged in, behavior you find troublesome.
Women.com author Amanda Chatel reached out to experts in couples therapy and relationship counseling to discuss how to work speak to your partner about their behavior or beliefs in her article, “How to Navigate Your Partner’s Problematic Behavior (& Hold Them Accountable).”
I explain that I am sympathetic to wanting to see your partner in the best light, especially after the arduous process of dating, but that overlooking who they are when they're not with you can lead to difficulties in the relationship: “when you finally find that person who treats you well and is who you want them to be when they’re with you, the desire to want to compartmentalize that from the person they are to others is understandable. But putting the blinders on to the way your partner treats others can make you miss out on some serious red-flags.” When your partner is cruel to or expresses uncompassionate beliefs about others, you should listen – that is a part of who they are and it will be directed at you or something you care about at some point or other. As I said to Amanda “You are dating the whole person not just the parts of them you like.”
Of course, we are all human and entitled to our anger, incredulity, and disbelief. As well, we can be cruel without thinking and this doesn’t necessarily reflect a larger issue about a fundamental character trait. It’s important to talk through these issues and to do so with curiosity and compassion. Even if something they have done seems objectionable, remember who they are and give them the benefit of the doubt. That doesn’t mean you have to take their side: you just need to understand what things are like on their side. Whether it was a mistake that they sincerely regret or a something they said that reflects a deeply held view, try to understand why they acted that way and how it fits into the overall person. Again, you don’t have to agree, but if the relationship and that person means something to you, try to understand their perspective.
If what they have done or the way they are treating it in the moment feels bad, let them know: “communicate to them how much they mean to you, how much you care about this issue, and let them know how it affects you.” If this conversation is done correctly, the two of you should feel as though you truly understand where the other is coming from.
Of course, although a conversation is the only way to understand your partner’s motivations and to express your feelings, it is not guaranteed to align you both. Everyone has core beliefs and values and sometimes these are simply irreconcilable with others, even those we love. You cannot force them to atone, just as they cannot force you to change your mind: “Ultimately they get to decide how to behave, but you get to decide who you want to spend time with.”
Comments