An unfortunate element of developing a connection with someone else is that it will inevitably end. Whether you are turning down a second date or ending a multi-year relationship, separating from a friend whose behavior makes them hard to be around or at the bedside of a loved one who is dying, we all have to say “goodbye” at some point.
In order to get perspective from a couples therapist, Parade.com reached out to discuss ways to say “goodbye” in her article Whether Funny or Heartfelt, Here are 115 Different Ways to Say Goodbye. Though she explores casual ways to end conversations, our discussion focused on those moments when saying “goodbye” can be hard.
I explain that there are certain features that unify all heartfelt and productive “goodbyes.” First, you don’t want to have any regrets about the way you ended things. Ending a relationship should be the last option, so if possible, speak to the other person, let them know what is on your mind, and try to repair the relationship. If after you’ve considered it you know you need to end the relationship, let them know clearly: “Shame and regret are powerful emotions and the last thing you want to happen is to regret something you said, or didn’t say, in your last moments together.”
And second, even if the other person doesn’t deserve it, be respectful: Saying “goodbye” should be the first step in your healing process, so don’t let their behavior cause you to behave in a way you are ashamed of later. Behave with integrity and let your “goodbye” be the start of a life you are proud of.
Dating
Few areas are more naturally anxiety inducing than breaking up with someone. If you have been on a few dates, saying “I just didn’t feel a spark” or “I don’t think we vibe” is fine, but if you’ve been dating for a few years, you owe the other person more than that. At this stage, saying “goodbye” can bring out a lot of intense feelings for you as well as them. Find a word or phrase you can use to anchor yourself to your needs and the reasons why the relationship didn’t work so that, if the other person asks the same question over and over, you can respond honestly without having to think through the tears. Things like “I’m not happy anymore”, “I can’t keep feeling this way”, “I’m not growing” etc are fine, but importantly, these phrases should be used to help you anchor yourself to your needs, not to shut down the conversation.
Death
Although Parade reached out to discuss dating and relationship issues, our conversation naturally turned to grieving and loss. It is one of life’s great tragedies that all meaningful relationships end in grief. But, for that reason, grief is a burden that it is an honor to bear. “Saying “goodbye” to a loved one who is dying should be a way of honoring your relationship. Allow yourself to feel as deeply as possible – the pain of loss but also all that you have gained from them”.
Part of what is so delicate about these “goodbyes” and what makes them so difficult is how another person’s death can cause us to reflect on our own lives. We often live without reflecting on how important a person is to us until we are faced with the prospect of never seeing them again. It is easy to let life and work get in the way of relationships, to forget to call or write, to celebrate the person while they are alive, and so when they are dying a flood of feelings and even depression can wash over. If you feel regretful, communicate to them what you wish you had done differently. “As difficult as the moment inevitably is, it will feel good to know that you were thinking about them, and telling them so will allow you to feel that you sent them off without holding anything back.”
Breaking up with a friend
Though saying “goodbye” is always a last-resort and you should try to speak to the other person about their behavior if it is bothering you, if you are constantly disrespected or devalued by someone, you need to ask yourself why you are devoted to maintaining relationship. That doesn’t mean that you if you’re angry at a friend or if your family member says something rude you should just say “goodbye” – valuable relationships need to be able to withstand ups and downs. But if you feel bad every time you’re around someone, it may be time to say “goodbye”.
If you have already talked to the other person and they haven’t done anything to address how you feel, letting them know you need a break from the relationship can be hard. Relationships should be additive and if it isn’t, explain why not and why you need some space. Saying “goodbye” should be the first step in the process of making your life better, so don’t let their behavior cause you to behave in a way you are ashamed of later. Behave with integrity, be respectful, and let your “goodbye” be the start of a life you are proud of.
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